Spark Notes: Best Friend Manifesto

This morning, at the butt crack of dawn,(I’m three hours behind you Suzy) I was sent one of the best little articles about friendship and what it really means to be in a loving and sometimes obsessively insane relationship with your friends.

” I believe it was the 1936 White House Correspondents Dinner where Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Good friends will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, ‘That. Was. Awesome.'”

If only Eleanor knew how many friends we’d all grow up to have. Real friends, fake friends, frenemies, plus we have 1,000 Internet acquaintances who maybe were friends at one point but who are now only in our lives to FB invite us to stuff we’ll never actually go to and for occasional stalking of their weird life choices.

In this crazy world, true best friends are essential and rare and made of human flesh and are not Internet robots. What else sets a best friend apart, besides breathing? The unspoken laws that I will now speak of, that’s what.

1) Any time someone compliments me behind my back, you have to tell me immediately. If said compliment is from a guy I like, you have to tell me the whole story over and over again, on demand forever. And ever. And ever. You will come tell me the story on my death bed. It’s science.

2) You have to secret eat (going out to dinner without inviting any other friends) with me and never judge my restaurant pick. Even if it’s a food court. Even if it’s all the food courts.

3) Always act breezy when there’s something horrible going on in my life (I got some weird test results from the doc, bangs were the wrong choice, I talked to someone important and accidentally spit on their face, etc.) even though you’re doing Pilates breathing to keep from freaking out, too.

4) Acknowledge that when/if you ever get married or a long-term serious relationship, you’ll pretend your husband is your best friend but we’ll both know he’s not.

5) I can wear anything in your closet, unless you’ve never worn it before (some things are sacred). If you don’t ask for it back, I can keep it. If it looks better on me than it does on you, I can keep it. You can borrow it back at any time.

6) You will never do the following:
BEST FRIEND TEXT!: I have the FUNNIEST story to tell you omg hahahaha
ME: Spill.
BF: I’ll tell you later, it’s too long to text.

That’s not the appropriate response, but any best friend knows that. If you bring it up, you have to say it. I think that’s an actual law in Singapore, but I might be wrong.

7) If someone wrongs me in a serious way, you will hate them with the fire of ten thousands suns until you die. And when you die, you’ll haunt the crap out of them. In doing this, you’ll allow me to be the better person, take the high road and “forgive” but you will still be trying to figure out ways to bring in ‘da noise, bring in ‘da funk and ruin lives and set things on fire and stuff.

8) You answer when someone calls my name. Is this just what my best friend does? Mmmmaybe. Moving on …

9) If I don’t want to Google-stalk my ex-boyfriend, you will do it for me and tell me gently how successful his band has gotten since we broke up. If the Internet says my life is better than my ex’s, eat a celebratory pizza with me.

10) If I call you at 1 AM, you will always pick up. I, in turn, will not abuse this courtesy.

There are probably other rules, but you already know them because you’re the best best friend, obviously. This was just a quick refresher.

What sacred rules do you and your best friend abide by?”



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